A friend and I have talked about our relationship and expressed a sincere love for one another that is beyond platonic.  We agree that we will explore this new aspect of our relationship that evening.  She leaves, blushing and quietly excited at the prospect of our first date.

Later a boy on whom I’ve had a crush for some time approaches me and asks if I want to hang out with him tonight.  Without thinking I say yes.  I immediately regret my acquiescence.  Then I think again and realize that I’ve been hoping he would notice me for so long.  How can I possibly pass up this opportunity?  My friend will understand; obviously, she’s known about this crush I’ve carried for an awfully long time.

Then I wonder if there is a way I can postpone my date with her and sneak him into my room for the evening. (The girl and I live together so this adds to the complication.)  I imagine the scenario and the impossibility of the boy and I being quiet enough that she would not hear us, assuming we will have sex and make some noise, etc.  So I have no choice but to tell my friend when she comes home.

When she returns, she is bashful and smiling.  Then I sit her down and she almost immediately knows something is wrong.  I confess to her what happened and I can see the hurt and anger in her face, which she tries to hide but cannot.  I start to cry and we hold one another, knowing I am denying something very deep and true in favor of some past reality.